How to Fix Your Computer

> Many computer users perform their own hardware upgrades, and a

>distressing number of these result in insufficient damage to the

>system. Destroying your own computer is every user's right and is

>the pattern of behaviour expected by the manufacturers and,

>especially, repair personnel, whose very livelihood is put in peril

>by those users who perversely persist in correctly upgrading their

>equipment.

>

>This article will explain to you, the user, the most common ways by

>which you can cause your computer to cease to function. Follow the

>instructions carefully and you will shortly find yourself making

>appropriate contributions to the all-important service sector.

>

>First, it is essential to be incorrectly prepared.

>

>When opening the case of your computer, you will probably be

>presented with a number of hexagonal head Phillips-slotted screws.

>These can be easily removed with a Phillips screwdriver or 6mm nut

>driver, but using a flathead screwdriver, especially one that is

>slightly too big, maximises the chance of the screwdriver slipping

>from the screw head and smashing into one or another of the

>computer's connectors. Personal injury is also possible, especially

>if excessive force is used when turning a screw the wrong way, but

>the object is to damage the computer, not yourself.

>

>If any components of your computer are held in place with Pozidriv

>screws (superficially similar to Phillips head screws, but

>recognisable by the cross scored on the screw-head at 45 degrees to

>the slots), use of a Phillips head driver instead of the squarer

>tipped Pozidriv gives the maximum chance of reaming out the screw

>head and, with luck, damaging the driver as well.

>

>When removing screws from the back of an ordinary clone case, ensure

>that you extract every screw in sight, not just the ones around the

>edge that actually hold the case on. This will, with any luck, cause

>the computer's power supply to fall off inside the case and cause

>serious damage, before you even have to take off the lid.

>

>Leaving one fastening screw still done up in the corner and then

>attempting to wrench off the case may cause significant damage to

>the metalwork, but this is generally easily bent back into shape and

>not very expensive to replace. You can do better.

>

>Fortunately, there are a plethora of computer case designs, and a

>gratifying number are fiendishly difficult to take apart and,

>especially, reassemble. To maximise the chance of damage, ignore any

>locking tabs and slots, don't worry about pinching cables in the

>case, and make sure you push really hard.

>

>When replacing screws, remember to tighten everything as if the

>computer were a major structural component of the Sydney Harbour

>Bridge. Overtightening screws increases the chance of reaming the

>heads, and the extra frustration involved in removing super-tight

>screws increases the chance that someone will give up and turn the

>machine over to a professional. Use of an electric screwdriver makes

>screw destruction easy for anyone.

>Use of computer cases as furniture is an excellent way to obey your

>entropic imperatives. Many PC cases are in fact very strong, and so

>it's necessary to balance large monitors, tabletops, grand pianos

>and twelve foot fireproof safes upon them to ensure rapid

>destruction. Fortunately, the pop-riveted construction of most cases

>and their poor endurance under lateral loads means that even

>relatively small stresses can, over time, cause sufficient

>structural creep to snap a solidly attached motherboard. Patience,

>and not buying enough chairs, can be a virtue.

>

>Static Is Your Friend

>It is possible to destroy computer components just by touching them,

>thanks to electrostatic discharge (ESD). Static electricity

>accumulates best on humans when the air is dry and both the carpet

>and the soles of the shoes are made of synthetic materials.

>

>Unfortunately, static discharge damage is actually a fairly rare

>cause of computer problems. On the bright side, however, a discharge

>as low as 200 volts is sufficient to destroy a chip, and this level

>of charge can easily be accumulated in just a few steps on carpet.

>Static discharge can only be felt when the charge gets up around the

>2000 volt mark, so it's possible for a truly adept user to

>unknowingly destroy several components in one session.

>

>If the user employs an anti-static discharge strap connected to an

>earthed object or simply leaves the computer plugged in (thus

>maintaining the chassis earth connection) and takes care to touch

>some exposed metal on the power supply before handling

>static-sensitive components (and periodically during the job), the

>chance of static damage becomes depressingly low.

>

>Old-fashioned belt-drive vacuum cleaners are quite efficient static

>electricity generators, so cleaning computer componentry with one is

>an excellent way to bolster the income of a service engineer. Newer

>cleaners are still good at accumulating static, and are also quite

>powerful enough to seriously damage fragile components with sheer

>suction.

>

>Air force

>Electronics stores stock canned "air duster", which is actually

>compressed difluoroethane gas, and can be used to clean various

>devices. Air duster is quite useful for cleaning more robust items,

>but can also be usefully employed in computer destruction, where it

>is more than capable of blowing chips out of sockets, spinning fans

>to prodigious speeds and destroying their tiny brushless motor

>assemblies, and, of course, redistributing dust from relatively

>accessible locations to far more exciting ones, like deep inside

>expansion card connectors and CD-ROM drives.

>

>For truly powerful air-blasting, though, the discerning user will

>have to employ the services of an air compressor. These can be

>rented cheaply from many equipment hire shops, and as well as their

>greater power (which can snap a RAM module and its socket right off

>the board) offer the added bonus of high-speed water delivery,

>provided of course that the user makes sure not to use the

>condensation drain valve provided for less focussed operators.

>

>Get it wet!

>Contact with plain water is surprisingly unlikely to destroy

>computer componentry, unless the device in question is left wet for

>a while. Beverages like coffee, tea and (especially) cola are much

>more effective, and so it is important to have a tall, unstable

>container of one or more of these within elbowing distance of the

>work area. Crumbs of food can foul connectors and floppy drive

>moving parts, but intensive open-mouthed chewing over the computer

>is required for a reliable kill.

>

>Killing chips

>If the job involves inserting or removing socketed chips, the

>options for destruction of expensive devices open up enormously.

>

>Inserting and removing Pin Grid Array (PGA) processor chips in Zero

>Insertion Force (ZIF) sockets is unlikely to break anything, unless

>the user somehow manages not to operate the locking lever and forces

>the issue. PGA chips in old-style sockets are easier to damage; PGA

>pins are annoyingly hard to bend, but the forest of pins under the

>processor gives many chances to bend just one and make the chip

>uninsertable.

>

>If the computer is an 80486-based system, the Central Processing

>Unit (CPU) can be plugged into its socket in more than one way. One

>corner of the processor is bevelled and the matching corner of the

>socket will also be marked, but if these markings are disregarded -

>or if the user decides instead to line up the printing on the CPU

>with that on the motherboard - then the processor can be inserted in

>one of the three other alignments. This makes the chip's

>destruction, possibly with the emission of smoke, quite likely.

>Intel regrettably made processor misalignment impossible with the

>introduction of the Pentium series, unless of course the

>enterprising user is equipped with a mallet.

>

>Conventional Dual Inline Package (DIP) chips, with a rowof pins

>along either side, are much more gratifyingly susceptible to damage.

>

>The very best tool for bending and breaking pins on DIP chips is the

>inexpensive springy "chip extractor" available at various

>electronics stores. U-shaped, the steel tool has an inward bent lip

>on the end of each leg, and is designed to hook both ends of a chip

>at once, and give the user the impression that it will in fact

>extract both ends at once.

>

>This never happens.

>

>When one end of the (usually very firmly inserted) chip comes out of

>the socket, the considerable pull being exerted by the user

>immediately causes that end to be lifted well clear of the board

>while the last few ranks of pins are still plugged in, resulting in

>badly bent or broken pins which are difficult to bend back and very,

>very difficult to repair.

>

>Truly adept users can also hook a DIP chip extractor under the

>socket, not the chip, and bodily rip it from its soldered-in

>location. This can lift tracks from the board and render it

>practically irreparable, if done with sufficient gusto.

>

>Chips are much less likely to be damaged if a small screwdriver is

>used to lever each end in turn up a little at a time, until the

>whole chip comes free at once. Those who have purchased stock in

>chip makers recommend against this strategy.

>

>The other common kind of chip package is Plastic Leadless Chip

>Carrier (PLCC), which is square with a row of contacts on each side

>and which fits into a socket somewhat reminiscent of an above-ground

>swimming pool. It is difficult to insert these chips incorrectly,

>since one corner is bevelled so they can only fit into the socket

>one way, and firm pressure snaps them into place annoyingly

>reliably.

>

>It is also hard to break PLCC chips when removing them; a

>purpose-built PLCC extractor does it in a snap and has none of the

>redeeming danger of the DIP extracting tools, and removing PLCCs by

>prying under the corners with a very small screwdriver is annoying,

>but not very hazardous. Fortunately, users seldom have to work with

>PLCC chips, and the other types are satisfyingly easy to break.

>

>Inserting Single Inline Memory Modules (SIMMs) should be relatively

>simple, since SIMM sockets require one only to insert the module at

>an angle, then swing it upright until the locking clips click into

>place. Fortunately, many PCs are cramped inside and have at least

>one SIMM socket fouled by the power supply or other metalwork,

>making it more difficult to insert a memory module in that socket

>without damaging it or the socket. Inserting modules backwards (even

>though they are designed not to fit that way), jamming them straight

>in vertically and, of course, using plenty of force, increase the

>chance of a misadventure.

>


>Bugger the BIOS!


>The ceaseless march of progress has made it possible to wreak


>functionally unfixable harm upon essential computer components


>without inflicting any physical trauma at all. Modern "flash"


>BIOSes, which allow the Basic Input/Output System software of a PC


>motherboard to be upgraded by the user, afford considerable


>potential for harm.


>


>If a flash BIOS is "flashed" with the wrong data - preferably a BIOS


>for a completely different motherboard, or, if the flashing software


>will accept it, even some randomly selected file; an MP3 of William


>Shatner's "Mr Tambourine Man" is ideal - the motherboard will, upon


>restarting, utterly fail to do anything useful until its BIOS chip


>is physically removed and re-burned with correct data. Interrupting


>the flashing procedure will produce the same results.


>


>If the BIOS is socketed, exchanging it for a working one is


>disturbingly easy. Fortunately, many current BIOS chips are soldered


>to the motherboard, and cannot be economically replaced. The


>iniquitous invasion of motherboards with built-in BIOS backups must


>be stopped at all costs, lest their terrible reliability paralyse


>the industry.


>


>Cables, connectors and calamity


>Ribbon cables are often difficult to plug in incorrectly, because


>the connectors they go into are "keyed" to match the cable in only


>one orientation. If a ribbon cable plugs into a bare pin header with


>no surround, though, damage can result if the user takes note of the


>tiny "1" often printed on the circuit board by the connector to


>indicate pin one, and also takes note of the stripe on the cable


>which indicates which side is should connect to pin one, and


>reverses the connector. Incompetently made cables with one end


>backwards make this much simpler. Note that reversing a cable at


>BOTH ends is likely to result in perfect operation of the hardware,


>which is not the aim of this exercise.


>


>If the pin header on the motherboard isn't "shrouded" - surrounded


>by a plastic box to correctly align the plug - the intrepid user can


>quite easily connect the plug in such a way as to miss one row or


>column of pins. This can very excitingly change the details of the


>connection being made.


>


>When connecting an older style, "AT" power supply to a motherboard,


>the two-part power connector offers a marvellous opportunity for


>destruction. Make sure at all costs to avoid the plug configuration


>shown below.


>


>


>


>This configuration, with the black wires towards the centre, will


>cause the computer to work perfectly. Reversing the two plugs so


>that the red wires are towards the centre will, gratifyingly,


>destroy the motherboard. Some manufacturers appear to have


>temporarily abandoned their sanity and made AT power supplies that


>will not work when connected incorrectly. Such supplies are, of


>course, to be avoided if at all possible.


>


>Fortunately, modern motherboards have introduced a new way to blast


>tracks clean off the board. On-board fan connectors have three pins,


>and two adjacent ones are the positive and ground supply. Mistaking


>one of these connectors for a motherboard configuration jumper


>allows the adept user to slip a jumper block onto the fan connector


>and short the positive pin to ground, which can and will burn out


>traces on the motherboard and render it useful only as a wall


>decoration. Motherboard manufacturers are clearly aware of this


>possibility, and some assist by labelling, say, a three pin CMOS


>clearing jumper block "JP2", and marking the CPU fan connector "J2".


>The use of the normal motherboard annotation font (one point


>Flyspeck Sans Serif) makes misidentification simple even for those


>with perfect vision.


>


>Plugging and unplugging peripherals that attach to computer ports


>while the machine is turned on is unlikely to damage the peripherals


>and not much more likely to damage the computer - plugging and


>unplugging cards inside the computer when it's on is a much better


>way to damage things.


>


>If, in the course of diagnosing a problem, you have a hard drive out


>of its assigned bay and resting on top of the open machine, remember


>that the logic board under the drive can generally be shorted out


>easily by chassis metalwork and position the device accordingly.


>


>PSU pulverisation


>Power supplies can be obliterated in a number of ways. The simplest


>is provided by the ubiquitous voltage selector switch on the back.


>If the user is lucky enough to reside in a country where the mains


>supply is 220V or higher, switching a computer PSU to the 110V


>setting will result in a satisfyingly exploded supply, and possible


>considerable secondary damage.


>


>In comparison, the more pedestrian sport of dropping screws into the


>PSU fan in hopes that they will cause a dramatic short circuit is


>scarcely necessary. Particularly in view of the fact that the fan


>often spits them back out.


>


>Remember - slapdash, ill-informed, incompetent work is what's


>expected of you. Don't let the industry down.

"Ben Dellar" <> wrote in message
news:3fb0ae33$0$1750$ u...

You left out dropping the hard drive(s) on a concrete floor!
And leaving the plastic tape over the thermal pad on the heat sink.
And neglecting to plug in the cpu fan!

Ben Dellar wrote:


>
>>or simply leaves the computer plugged in (thus
>
>>maintaining the chassis earth connection)

LOL...
--

Stacey